Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
