i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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