Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
