Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
