I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
