Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
