I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize