I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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