Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
