does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
