Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
