That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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