i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
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