If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
