Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
As shirtless as possible
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize