Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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