I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
