went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
