Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
