Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
