how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
