I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
