my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
