Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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