i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
ok first of all what the fuck
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
