I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
