I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
