Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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