Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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