I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
