Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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