Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Do vagina's smell?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
