I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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