someone threw a dead crab at me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
