Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Let's paint friendship bongs
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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