I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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