I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
