My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize