if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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