Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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