you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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