The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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