genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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