i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize