I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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