What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
