The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sext me about skeletons
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
