So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
