I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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