I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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