either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
