best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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