What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
