i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
