Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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