I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
