I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
