i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
