I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
