Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
