I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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