you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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