only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
