I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
