It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
