dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
